Just Listen

Air was indeed coming in, but it didn’t feel like it was filling up my lungs. I gasped. Tears swelled in my eyes. I hit pause and walked away from the speakers, pacing back and forth, my mind completely blank. That happens to me sometimes when my emotions are so confusing I can’t decipher them. I don’t know what to think, and end up unable to generate any thoughts at all.My former boyfriend had given me something to listen to. He expresses himself via music. I express myself via writing. There was a lot of reading and listening in our relationship. It took me all day to actually press play because I didn’t know if I should or how it might make me feel or what it meant. Maybe I shouldn’t listen at all. But I’m so damn curious. I was filled with wonder, then fear, then wonder. “Just listen,” I told myself.

At first I didn’t really get it. I had to listen several times before the songs and song order sunk in and that’s when I couldn’t breathe properly. I couldn’t really breathe at all. I sat down on the floor and called Mia over for comfort. She just laid there staring at me – one lazy eye. I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry about this. I cried so many futile tears in the past year and a half. I didn’t want to cry…not over this.

So I went to bed.

I knew I shouldn’t keep listening to it. I knew it was going to put me in a weird state of mind. Plus it’s the week before my period and women really shouldn’t listen to emotionally charged music the week before their period. Everybody knows that. However, I seek out instances to feel emotional extremes, so the next morning when I got out of the shower, I pressed play. Almost instantly I was near tears. Again. I dropped to my knees and put my face in my hands. My towel fell off, and sadness overcame me. Loss is amplified by wonder. I wondered what might have happened had he given me this a few months prior – how things might have been different. What could have been? I wondered, why now? I wondered, why not before? I wondered, what if? When I exhausted all possible irrelevant hypotheticals, I stood up and wiped my eyes. I brushed my hair.But so much of life is timing. Had I allowed this outpouring of emotion any sooner – even a week sooner- I wouldn’t have had enough space to even entertain the thought of dating another dude.  I would have canceled our first date. I would likely be circling around and around, up and down. My boyfriend would likely be dating someone blonde… and taller. So many things might have happened, but what matters is what is happening now. All that is is now.

I saved the playlist to my iTunes, closed my computer and went to work.

Emma Dinzebach