Price of (Im)patience - Part 2
Last Friday night.
To be as clear as possible, I approached the situation from the following state of mind: exhausted. Thursday night I got home from a long flight at 12:30 a.m. Then, love-inspired and District-struck (See: Price of (Im)patience - Part 1), I stayed up late detailing a poetic rendition of my nearly-year-long love story - a gift I planned to give my boyfriend on our anniversary. In almost a year, I had never written anything for him. Always intimidated because he is also a wonderful wordsmith, I wanted to get an early start so it was absolutely perfect. I was mentally drained from self-reflection. Combined with a full work day less nap and long run because I gained three pounds while I was away on vacation and was feeling utterly horrible about myself, I was totally and admittedly irritable.
Irritability + Propensity for Impatience = Ugly.
Recently, I promised my boyfriend that I would consciously work on the way I expressed myself when I was upset. Rather than send fiery text messages, I would intentionally and coolly express my emotions. In turn, he would respond with empathy and openness rather than just jumping to his side of the story. (I'm a stand for mutual empathy in a relationship. Non-negotiable.) After not seeing him all week, I thought he would jump at the first opportunity to see me. When he didn't want to see this play I had invited him to, I became upset. Naturally, I wanted him to want to see me ASAP even if it meant going to a play with my mom and aunt. I felt like he had no sense of urgency around seeing me! (Eh, hem: impatience.) Coupled with being annoyed at myself for agreeing to the play when I just got home, going without him made me so mad. Mad at myself. Mad at my boyfriend. Sleep deprived. Sex deprived. On empty. I called him. (No texts.)
I thought I explained my feelings clearly; but his empathic attempt was "I understand" followed by a defense on his part. Here is the communication breakdown. I need real empathy. Like, "Emma, I understand that you are exhausted and upset that we are not seeing each other right away. This is making you very irritable, and I'm reminding you to practice patience because I love you. I assure you that I cannot wait to take of your clothes and kiss you all over as soon as you are finished with that damn play." But I got, "I already told you I understand. You aren't understanding that I had a long week and don't want to go to play with your mom and aunt. It doesn't mean I don't want to see you."
Do you see the distinction?
Well I did not respond very patiently to his incapacity for empathy and certainly gave no empathy to him. I might have decided that he never sacrifices anything for me. If he doesn't want to do something, he is not going to just suck it up and do it for me. But I do that all the time for him... Which made him defensive and angry. Obviously. It was a slippery slope. He said I had been "attacking" him all day, and to be fair I did have a g-chat frustration over our shared calendar and not planning something for our anniversary. Together we became angry and frustrated, and neither of us handled these feelings graciously. Then he said, "I can't do this anymore. I want to break up with you."
Yes, you read that correctly.
Me: "What?"
Him: "I don't want to date you anymore."
Me: "What?"
Him: "I want to break up with you."
Me: "But we love each other. We are in love with each other. I never want to break up with you."
Him: "Well there are two people here. I am not happy."
Me: "You're just going to break up with me, right now.
Him: "I didn't want to have do this over the phone."
To reiterate, two days before my period, three days before my 29th birthday I stood on the balcony of the Kennedy Center about to see an utterly depressing play absolutely exhausted, sex-deprived, tired from hurriedly fitting work into half hour increments between self-exploration the prior week, borderline fat, and my boyfriend who I want to marry broke up with me.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
"It's just a crime of passion."
"You guys love each other!"
"But you're so happy together?"
"He will come to his senses."
I knew he would not. He is a Scorpio, and you know how Scorpio's are when they make decisions. No matter the contradicting evidence, they stick to their guns. Later he claimed he had been thinking about this for a while and was giving me "a chance" all summer. I had no idea I was being monitored; and worse, I had been quite proud of my progression thus far. Most people succeed in changing in a healthy space. My state of mind was not all together healthy until early August. My friend and employee was killed in the Spring. I was promoted at a new store, and over half of the team quit. Week after week I received two weeks notices. Then my old store re-opened, and I dealt with loss and sadness that I was not going back to a team that I loved in a store where I first grew into a leader. On my very best behavior for my new team, I was admittedly more impatient with my boyfriend, family and friends. Being closest to him, he certainly received the brunt of my frustrations. Through my various stages of grief and adjustment, he was loving and kind. That is a lot to deal with for a couple who has been together seven months, and he did a beautiful job.
In retrospect, he handled everything so much better than I did.
That takes us to the beginning of July - right around the time we openly talked about staying together because we love each other and truly working on our communication. That is a short amount of time to change in light of a lot of shit in your life. Plus, I'm not the fastest changer. Never have been. I was the kid who learned everything the hard way. I have to push everything to the final, absolute limit before I learn.
This was the final limit. "We can talk tomorrow. I know you have some things at my apartment you need to come get," he said.
I don't remember the play. Just that I cried.
Emma Dinzebach
To be as clear as possible, I approached the situation from the following state of mind: exhausted. Thursday night I got home from a long flight at 12:30 a.m. Then, love-inspired and District-struck (See: Price of (Im)patience - Part 1), I stayed up late detailing a poetic rendition of my nearly-year-long love story - a gift I planned to give my boyfriend on our anniversary. In almost a year, I had never written anything for him. Always intimidated because he is also a wonderful wordsmith, I wanted to get an early start so it was absolutely perfect. I was mentally drained from self-reflection. Combined with a full work day less nap and long run because I gained three pounds while I was away on vacation and was feeling utterly horrible about myself, I was totally and admittedly irritable.
Irritability + Propensity for Impatience = Ugly.
Recently, I promised my boyfriend that I would consciously work on the way I expressed myself when I was upset. Rather than send fiery text messages, I would intentionally and coolly express my emotions. In turn, he would respond with empathy and openness rather than just jumping to his side of the story. (I'm a stand for mutual empathy in a relationship. Non-negotiable.) After not seeing him all week, I thought he would jump at the first opportunity to see me. When he didn't want to see this play I had invited him to, I became upset. Naturally, I wanted him to want to see me ASAP even if it meant going to a play with my mom and aunt. I felt like he had no sense of urgency around seeing me! (Eh, hem: impatience.) Coupled with being annoyed at myself for agreeing to the play when I just got home, going without him made me so mad. Mad at myself. Mad at my boyfriend. Sleep deprived. Sex deprived. On empty. I called him. (No texts.)
I thought I explained my feelings clearly; but his empathic attempt was "I understand" followed by a defense on his part. Here is the communication breakdown. I need real empathy. Like, "Emma, I understand that you are exhausted and upset that we are not seeing each other right away. This is making you very irritable, and I'm reminding you to practice patience because I love you. I assure you that I cannot wait to take of your clothes and kiss you all over as soon as you are finished with that damn play." But I got, "I already told you I understand. You aren't understanding that I had a long week and don't want to go to play with your mom and aunt. It doesn't mean I don't want to see you."
Do you see the distinction?
Well I did not respond very patiently to his incapacity for empathy and certainly gave no empathy to him. I might have decided that he never sacrifices anything for me. If he doesn't want to do something, he is not going to just suck it up and do it for me. But I do that all the time for him... Which made him defensive and angry. Obviously. It was a slippery slope. He said I had been "attacking" him all day, and to be fair I did have a g-chat frustration over our shared calendar and not planning something for our anniversary. Together we became angry and frustrated, and neither of us handled these feelings graciously. Then he said, "I can't do this anymore. I want to break up with you."
Yes, you read that correctly.
Me: "What?"
Him: "I don't want to date you anymore."
Me: "What?"
Him: "I want to break up with you."
Me: "But we love each other. We are in love with each other. I never want to break up with you."
Him: "Well there are two people here. I am not happy."
Me: "You're just going to break up with me, right now.
Him: "I didn't want to have do this over the phone."
To reiterate, two days before my period, three days before my 29th birthday I stood on the balcony of the Kennedy Center about to see an utterly depressing play absolutely exhausted, sex-deprived, tired from hurriedly fitting work into half hour increments between self-exploration the prior week, borderline fat, and my boyfriend who I want to marry broke up with me.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
"It's just a crime of passion."
"You guys love each other!"
"But you're so happy together?"
"He will come to his senses."
I knew he would not. He is a Scorpio, and you know how Scorpio's are when they make decisions. No matter the contradicting evidence, they stick to their guns. Later he claimed he had been thinking about this for a while and was giving me "a chance" all summer. I had no idea I was being monitored; and worse, I had been quite proud of my progression thus far. Most people succeed in changing in a healthy space. My state of mind was not all together healthy until early August. My friend and employee was killed in the Spring. I was promoted at a new store, and over half of the team quit. Week after week I received two weeks notices. Then my old store re-opened, and I dealt with loss and sadness that I was not going back to a team that I loved in a store where I first grew into a leader. On my very best behavior for my new team, I was admittedly more impatient with my boyfriend, family and friends. Being closest to him, he certainly received the brunt of my frustrations. Through my various stages of grief and adjustment, he was loving and kind. That is a lot to deal with for a couple who has been together seven months, and he did a beautiful job.
In retrospect, he handled everything so much better than I did.
That takes us to the beginning of July - right around the time we openly talked about staying together because we love each other and truly working on our communication. That is a short amount of time to change in light of a lot of shit in your life. Plus, I'm not the fastest changer. Never have been. I was the kid who learned everything the hard way. I have to push everything to the final, absolute limit before I learn.
This was the final limit. "We can talk tomorrow. I know you have some things at my apartment you need to come get," he said.
I don't remember the play. Just that I cried.
Emma Dinzebach
Posted by Emma Dinzebach at 9/3/2011 11:31 AM 
Categories: Relationships
Tags: Emma Dilemma Emma Dinzebach the price of impatience empathy break up talk Scorpio stubborn
Categories: Relationships
Tags: Emma Dilemma Emma Dinzebach the price of impatience empathy break up talk Scorpio stubborn
Hey Em, So sorry for you. Hope you are well. Lots of love! KC
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