Looking back, I really need therapy when I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half after he cheated on me... the second time. But I didn't go to therapy. I sort of wish someone would have encouraged me more. Although, I wouldn't have listened because I don't like when people tell me what to do. Instead, I chucked a bag of laundry at my brother, threw my cell phone across the street, and locked myself in a car with a complete stranger and who, with me yelling and screaming and all was confused by the nature of our relationship, called the police on my brother sometime before or after the laundry bag incident. I wrote some of the most depressing shit ever. Like ever.

I was not in a good state.

A series of decisions neither good nor poor but mostly just lazy led me to similar, albeit more mild, situations time and again. Rather than making decisions that propelled me forward, I made decisions that required less effort, less thought. In dating, in work, in life. Then one day I woke up and realized I hated my job, my apartment, my hair cut, my thighs, and even my handbag collection. I was destined for something more! 

No, that's not how it happens. Losses, few of which I fully mourned - passing friendships, dudes I dated, writing gigs and random jobs - began to accrue. Super slowly I saw that I chose said losses. And in a champagne daze, noticed that I wasn't building much in terms of sustainability neither in my personal development nor my love life. Not even my work really. I was living a very fun life, but not a very full one.

I really needed some therapy.

See I'm a quick start. That means I thrive off of the beginning stages of projects, relationships, jobs, even online shopping and then move onto the next thing. I accomplish things quickly, but not always 100%. On the bright side, I'm a visionary. On the dark side, I am a quitter.  At my best, I enroll someone strong in follow through. At my worst, I apathetically leave a trail of losses.  One the one hand, I am resilient. On the other, I fail to fully process thus repeating my mistakes. Why do you think I've been on eighty-ish first dates? I'm actually a charming first impression, sexy eyes and all. My eighth grade teacher quoted, "Our strengths are our weaknesses!" But Ralph Waldo Emerson said our strengths grow from our weaknesses.

Maybe my eight grade teacher was eyes.

Some time even later, I woke up feeling utterly blasé. So totally helter skelter I decided to move forward. I hastily cut my French boyfriend lose and bid adieu to my  dancefloor friends. I gave that which I could predict and vowed to follow through with the unknown. I said goodbye to my shoe repair, tailor, vino chico, laundry guy, and Mia's nazi veterinarian. With my classy dog and my pretty (if obtrusive) ego, I gave a fair shake to my losses. Knowing when I meet them again, I will know their purpose as necessary to grow my own strength.

The world does not need another wasted visionary.

Emma Dinzebach