This took so long to write because sincerely, I wanted my first entry after Jayna's death to speak to her excellency in holding me accountable for my writing. A standout accountability steward she was: sending weekly texts longing for Emma Dilemma entries, calling me on my writing trip to make sure I was working diligently on my book, and gently scolding me when she caught me mid-shopping or at the nail salon. Jayna had a particular way of lacing her sternness in humor and love without masking the main message. "We all know you're an excellent shopper, but the world craves your written word. Get your ass back to work!"

I miss that.

Once Jayna started telling me about something she read in Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed. She explained to her always captive audience that when you let go of obsessing over "letting go," you create space for things that could not have otherwise been. Then she stopped, tilted her head and looked at me. "Wait. That wasn't in a book. That was on your blog!" she shouted jumping up and waving her stumpy fist in the air like she just discovered new land. "I thought that sounded familiar," I said, smiling and moved on like it wasn't a big deal. But it was. Jayna confused my blog for a really famous author's best selling book! I was in future best-selling writer heaven. I told everyone I know.

While I can recount anecdote after anecdote about how Jayna was and continues to be an instrumental force behind my writing, all of those stories make me miss her more. And frankly, she would tell me enough already. Jayna would encourage me to move on from the way things were. So that's what I'm committing to now.

In a myriad of ways, because in my healing process, I have changed. My friends and family irritate me a little bit less than they used to, and my poor boyfriend irritates me a little bit more. Apparently our glorified honeymoon stage has become an impasse leaving us just standing here staring at each other like: "Who the hell is this person and what the hell are they doing in my life?" Jayna predicted this feeling would come and warned me that once it did, it would never go away. So rather than being forever stuck in this feeling, she suggested moving towards acceptance. Thus I'm moving towards acceptance. Excuse moi, we are moving towards acceptance.

Today my friend Petra told me: "Emma, this is when the real relationship starts."

Well, shit.

But this is the course of all relationships, right? Jayna and I didn't become really close friends until we had several stubborn disagreements of which I was naturally not being the stubborn one. The closest relationships I have are those where we can disagree then tweak our communication styles until we find a balance that works for both of us. Sometimes this balance comes easily. Other times, I give up quickly - like with running partners, hockey players and dry cleaners. Then there are relationships where tweaking said communication requires tweaking thy self. Along with a dose of humbleness, which I'm not so good at. A great deal of patience, which I detest. Equanimity, which is far from my strength. Transparency, which I'm working towards. And most of all, forgiveness. Because in all likelihood, in trying to move forward, I will take some steps back.

And these are the important, life-changing relationships because life's a little bitch like that.

Emma Dinzebach