I almost didn’t pass my zoology weed out class in college. Don’t let the world “zoology” trick you; it was hard. With heavy personal shit weighing on my mind, I couldn’t make myself focus on my ancient professor’s dry words. Just before finals, I went to his office and requested to take my final early. He looked at my sad, tired face then my bony borderline unhealthy frame, and closed his eyes. Is he dying? I wondered. After a few minutes, he looked up at me and asked me to promise never to microwave any plastic. Then he gave me an A. I never took the final. Don’t ask me anything about zoology.

I think about that sometimes when I’m weeding out my dates. I got a free pass essentially, because I was an A student who was just having a visibly hard time. He graded me in entirety, not on that one class. (I graduated magna cum laude in my major.) My dating weed out process is similar to weed out classes in college although expectations are chronologically harder and exceptions are overall harder to come by.

Weed Out Requirements

After 2 dates:

• Acceptable footwear & apparel
• Intelligent
• Pro gay rights
• Musically inclined
• Healthy diet
• Genuinely exudes kindness
• Likes to dance
• Athletic
• Makes me laugh

After 4 weeks:

• Mind-blowing sex
• Innately creative
• Fiscally uber responsible
• Goal-oriented
• Thinks I'm funny
• Loves to travel
• Cares about our planet
• References Mia's intelligence
• Has funny, open-minded friends

After 6 weeks:

• Supports my writing goals
• Honest & immediate communicator
• Has exhibited high levels of patience
• Gives & receives feedback
• Makes an effort to get to know my friends
• Consistently aware of & actively working on his issues
• Lives freely
• Loves openly

The list seems reasonable. Creative people usually dance. Good dancers have great sex. People who want to travel and save their scrilla are often goal-oriented. And so on. But it’s actually not an easy combination to find. Just 17% of guys I date make it past the two-date mark and only 7% make it beyond week cuatro. A slim 6% make it beyond week 6; but I only end up calling 5% my boyfriend. If there were a 5% chance of rain, would you pull out your Pucci rainboots? Not a chance.

At this point, the Rams have a better chance of winning the Superbowl than a dude does of becoming my boyfriend. 

I recently became obsessed with analyzing these weed out requirements with the dude I'm dating and wondering: If he's super strong in super important requirements (communication, patience, intelligence) can others be his zoology classes? In my attempt to weigh their importance, I started adding things: must love Mia, must periodically attend yoga, must live in a city and deal with all of my crazy lists and scheduling. Must snuggle on demand. Must be a bit more gentle but not too gentle just the perfect amount of gentle. Must wear luon, know my love language, visit my store, pretend I'm making sense. Must, must, must, must, must…He estimated I spoke 80% of the six hours we spent together discussing this.

He is magically patient.

I exhausted myself; but eventually, I answered my question. I’m hoping when I become as old as my zoology professor, a weed out exception won’t be such a dramatic, draining process.  But it probably will.

Emma Dinzebach