"You're so fickle," said my mom after I laid out my latest epiphany. Lying in bed the previous night, I had a recurring thought, I will focus better if I phase out all of the men in life. See I have a lot on my plate. Not more than any one person can handle, but as much as I can handle and still give 110%... but (and there is a but) I also love dudes. I love how they can't touch their toes and need help picking out clothes. I love how they get kind of nervous when overtly flattered, the look on their face when they are trying to figure out whether or not you like them, their pick-up lines, their forearms, their dance moves... well some of their dance moves. I heart them, and I also need a break. I need space. (See also: Eye. On. Prize.)

The only way I do something is if I go around telling everyone I'm doing it. (Um, have you met me?) So if my goal is to do a triathlon, I go around telling everyone I'm training for a triathlon before I even have a bike. Once verbalized, my follow through rate is about 40%. For the record, I verbalize way more than an unassisted human being can actually accomplish.  So if my current goal is to focus my mental efforts on my masterpirce, the first step to success is broadcasting it to the world. Guys do this all the time btw - focus their mental efforts elsewhere, that is - they just don't think as much about it. They think, I'm too busy for a girlfriend. Then leave you wondering why they never called. But girls mull over it in bed at night because it's contrary to how we were raised and what society expects of us. It takes a lot more mental energy to battle the social pressure of being a voluntarily single female than to just keep dating. (On a sidenote, I recently told a friend I wanted a guy to hook up with who wasn't going to try to make me his girlfriend. And she said, "Oh those are so hard to come by." Because they ARE so hard to come by! The older we get, the needier guys become.)

Now, in the midst of removing myself from guys and seeking an truly beneficial "friend," I have to dodge set-ups. "Oh, I have the best guy to set you up with!" a woman in my store shrieked yesterday when I told her that I wasn't dating anyone "special." (Sorry to some of you reading this. You are special - just not to me. Not right now.)

"Um, that's really nice of you, but I'm not dating."

"What do you mean you're not dating?"

"I'm just not dating right now. I have too much going on. I can't concentrate on psychologically destroying the sixty-six plus people I've already dated if I'm busy dissecting someone in the flesh. It's too draining."

"Oh, but it's just one date?! He's has a beautiful penthouse apartment overlooking the river." (They always try to rope me in with apartments and fancy job titles.)

"If he is that great, I have a friend he might be interested in..." (I try to help my friends.)

"Oh, but I think he would like you." (But it never works.)

"He would. Unfortunately, I'm not dating."

There are several variations of this conversation. So and so wants me to go out with their son, coworker, neighbor, family friend, etc.  I get it. I'm really outgoing and give great compliments and have a desirable ass. In the beginning, they love me. I'm super entertaining...until you realize that yes I actually always have this many thoughts. Can you live constantly showered in my detailed observations, opinions and emotions? Not unless you're my husband. (See also: survival of the fittest.) But dudes don't see this at first. They see only the bright and shiny toy they want to touch and play with. Plus, I'll probably diss (yes diss) you on the internet. That comes with the territory. If you date a banker, he's likely to check his Blackberry mid- ex every now and again. If you date a writer, you will be exposed on the world wide web here and there.

"As simple as that, as simple as that. As simple as that for your simple ass." -Kid Cudi

Hm, I forgot what the point is... oh, yeah. So I'm fickle because one day I cannot stop talking about XYZ and how adorable he is and the next day I'm swearing off dating. And it's hard for someone so flirty like me to swear off dating. Hell, this week, I'll probably go on a date. Because in addition to being fickle, I'm a hypocrite. And I don't even think that's a bad thing. Satire was born from hypocrisy. And tyranny! Tyranny was born from hypocrisy! Without tyranny, we could have never enjoyed twenty hours of Henry Cavill in thigh high boots in the Tudors. Because who knew dudes also look amazing in thigh high boots?

And now I must tend to my masterpiece. To hypocrisy: Nastravi!

Emma Dinzebach