Deal or No Deal?
I promised myself when I started this blog that I was not going to write about my flourishing dating life, but considering it consumes approximately 66% of my free time and 96% of my rumination, it was really only a matter of time. Then yesterday I was hanging out with my ex-boyfriend's ex-teammate, went back to his apartment, walked into his room and reality hit me in the face in the form of a bed-on-the-floor. Yes, as in mattress on the floor.
Frantically, I searched my brain for my dealbreaker list. When I found it, I noticed that there was not a bed-on-the-floor clause, and several shots of Patron enabled me to ignore the BOF (bed-on-the-floor) and proceed with my, um our, business. But this morning when I jovially told my friend about it, she said, "Emma, honey, that is a dealbreaker." Wait, so no deal? At this point the deal was basically done, but it lead me to two thoughts: 1) Are there any dealbreakers that I would be willing to compromise? and 2) Seriously, buy a bed buddy.
Dinzebach Dating Dealbreakers-IV
1. Has those mammoth headphones and hangs them on the side of his jeans on the date. I appreciate sound quality, but put those away dude.
2. Men who don't eat red meat. My brother always says, "Guys who don't eat red meat; I don't trust them."
3. Eating disorders.
4. Republicans.
5. Not a "dog person."
6. Goes to the gym a lot but isn't actually athletic.
7. Lacks creativity (in any capacity).
8. Doesn't watch football.
9. Illiterate.
10. Racist and/or has braces.
Friday night I went on a date. When I showed up, only seven minutes late I might add, my eyes went straight to his feet because: I'm not into Sketchers, Adidas Superstars, clogs, Doc Martins, man-Uggs or shoes that resemble orthodics. And Crocs are the 11th dealbreaker. Not a soul on earth looks good in Crocs. His were acceptable. Later, he said his last meal before he dies by lethal injection for a crime he didn't commit, because i would never date a death-row prison mate, would be pizza, a bacon burger or a pastrami sandwich -- all acceptable, manly answers. Although I find the word 'pastrami' vile.
He played soccer in college (check) and apparently majored in art (four stars for creativity). He informed me that he enjoys football season better when he's not playing fantasy. Um, did someone tell him to say that or is it one of key make-a-girl-fall-in-love-with-me lines? (In any case, check). He has a dog (check), lacks an eating disorder (check), and as far as I can tell is neither racist nor currently wearing braces (double check). He was headphone free (phew), and passed my secret test. There were no visible characteristics of a mood or personality disorder; but he is apparently an artist of some sort, so the jury's out on that one. He did, however, receive extra credit for volunteering in developing countries on more than one occasion.
But, and I wouldn't still be writing if there weren't a but, I sensed reservation. Rather than creating an air of mystery, it made me feel overexposed and ignited my urge to flight or get really drunk. I couldn't find freedom of spontaneity, and I desperately searched his soul for some sign that he was either falling deeply in love or that he just wasn't that into me. Then my spaz faze passed, thank god, and at the end of the night I was mentally exhausted but hopeful. When he kissed me and tucked me into a cab, I felt reassured, confident about his checks and check pluses, and sleepily blissful.
So how is it that the Friday-Night-Emma, sizing up and checking off every minute detail, ended up in a bed-on-the-floor late Sunday afternoon?
And more importantly, is it a deal or no deal?
"As for bed-on-the-floor...I think that is only acceptable in several instances (1) You just moved and haven't had a chance to buy a new bed (2) You have a lofted apartment, so your bed is on the loft part (not sure if that counts as the floor) or (3) You are still in college - even then, still kind of weird. Don't the metal frames/box spring come free with the mattress???" -Allison Greene
There goes my justification that my ex-boyfriend had a BOF. Per Greene point duex, his was lofted, so apparently that doesn't count. Foiled!
As far as I can tell, he doesn't have any other dealbreakers. He had a pile of The New Yorker magazines on the floor (can and does read: check), and he's not a Republican -- although I didn't know at first and skipped over iPhone pictures of me rocking an Obama shirt and platform stilettos (check -- to him voting for change, not my outfit). There are no visible signs of an eating disorder (thank god), and from what I can tell he plays like every sport (check). He gets loads of fun points and extra credit for playing the guitar and admitting that he likes to fish. However, he should not expect me to fish because I'm entirely to impatient to fish, dislike the smell of fishing and feel bad for the fish. If someone asked me to guess, I would say he does not wear those gargantuan headphones on his daily commute. My memory fails to recall what shoes he had on, but I may have forgotten to look because he is so smiley (a plus) and I had been cocktailing at brunch.
Am I to revise Dinzebach Dating Dealbreakers-IV to V or can a person be good enough that the BOF could be overlooked, in which case it's not a dealbreaker?
And lastly, if I proceed with deeper introspection, I'm bound to find it's actually my reckless decision-making skills that lead me to these dilemmas in the first place, therefore, the rules are necessary to serve as guidelines for my often thoughtless behavior and curb my desire for attention.
Elaine: "Are you going to wear that all the time?"
Puddy: "All signs point to yes."
A bed on the floor is so far from a being a deal breaker, it is silly! He sounds great! I hope to hear more about these guys...you silly girl!
Big hugs!
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emma darling - bof is a deal breaker. we're in nyc where floors do not get clean ever no matter how often you scrub/swiffer/mop. The second you put that broom down the floor gets that layer of nyc grime again. bof means that his sheets touch that dirty floor. deal breaker.
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Dearest Emma:
This is definitely not a deal breaker. There are a ton of reasons one would have a BOF. Hey I have friends that have BOFs, really! It should be interesting finding out how his BOF came to be.
Much love, D
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hey emma hope your well i just read your last entry does that entry mean im a walking dealbreaker.hahaha lol.pete xx
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"So how is it that the Friday-Night-Emma, sizing up and checking off every minute detail, ended up in a bed-on-the-floor late Sunday afternoon?"
The guy on Sunday was obviously a stud.
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